Hypothermia and its effects upon Caucasians

Wednesday, June 28th

For all intensive purposes, I am done with my training here in South Africa. Two nights ago I completed the last step in my validation course, by taking a check ride in an antiquated, underpowered Piper Seneca, an airplane I have never flown before. Ed and I were selected to go first, as I mentioned on Monday night, and Ed requested to precede me on the ride. This seemed like a great idea for the obvious reasons, e.g.: I get to see what fates (in the form of engine failures, gear/flap problems and instrument approaches) are about to be bestowed upon me, so I readily obliged.

Winter in South Africa, more precisely in the Johannesburg area, is much like winter in lets say… El Paso- relatively warm at day, 50-60’s, and sometimes cold at night, 30-40’s. It most obviously swings to further extremes when abnormal weather patterns roll thru, like the one that did on Monday morning.

Airplanes, especially larger, i.e. bigger than 1 seat, usually have heaters of some sort. In turbine powered aircraft its usually from hot compressed air sucked off the engines before fuel is added. In piston powered aircraft its likely from little midgets contained in a box in the rear who continuously light matches which in turn generate heat. Ok, most don’t have this system, many airplanes have many different systems, and a few, like the one we took out on Monday night, have none at all, not even match igniting midgets.

My first clue something was awry should have been when the examiner (who coincidently uses this airplane on a regular basis) arrived with a wider assortment of warmer clothes than lets say, Jesse did. Hmm. Then there was the observing flight instructor who also came equipped with a more diverse selection of cold weather apparel. Hmm. No worries, they are South African wimps and its cold outside.

Approximately 3 minutes after Ed commenced taxi to the departure runway here at Midrand airport, I asked the examiner if he wouldn’t mind turning on the heat, and to which, I got a Dr. Evil like giggle. At this point I was already shivering, and I had a long ways to go, about 3 hours 56 minutes and 47 seconds, to be precise. Continuous involuntary muscle spasms were then followed by an involuntarily full bladder that my body was expending precious shakes and shimmies to heat up. I was producing aircraft contained turbulence for the mighty Piper Seneca as we ripped thru the 18 degree Fahrenheit night sky, due to my palsy-ish, seizure like shivering and my increasingly animated pee-pee dance (about the only type of dancing I’m good at, besides the Electric slide…ok, I didn’t just say that). Yes, it was a good night, and we still had 3 hours 29 minutes and 16 seconds of fun left. YES.

Finally we landed at Johannesburg International Airport where the examiner planned to do a crew change so that I may occupy the pilot’s seat (as I had been just sitting in the back up until this point). Once that airplane came to a stop, engines still running, on the taxi way, not too far from the international terminal and arrival runway I was OUT the door and relieving myself quite satisfyingly on the pavement to the horror of the remaining passengers on board. They could have told me I was going to be deported for it and I wouldn’t have cared, at least I didn’t have to take a leak anymore.

Then came my turn. Its hard to concentrate on flying when you cannot feel your lower legs and your hands no longer function and you still look like an idiot overtaken by an epileptic episode. Yep, that’s me! Needless to say it wasn’t the best ride of my life but all I cared about was getting it done…FAST, so that I may begin the process of hypothermia negation. The examiner also felt the need to demonstrate the incredible lighting system that Joberg’s runways have. They say you can see the Great Wall of China from space, I’m not sure I believe that. I do believe you can see the approach lights for RWY 03R at Joberg from Jupiter, though. The best part was he asked for their application on one of my single engine landings, as I was only 150 feet above the ground and still shaking-shivering. I basically crashed, then flew, then crashed, then flew, then crashed, then flew, then crashed, then flew…I porpoised down the runway quite well, something I haven’t done in a good 6 years, but I found it funny. I was thinking…“You dip-shit! Good call with the lights bud! HA! I hope you have to go to the chiropractor after this, maybe that will teach ya…oh…maybe this is a bit bad…oh…that one kinda hurt…hmm…he looks kinda scared…he he he”. And so I got about 153 landings out of one approach, a new personal record beating out the previous of 139. Sometimes my own piloting skills amaze me.

In conclusion, to be a pilot in South Africa, one is not necessarily eliminated from candidacy just for : 1.) Incontinence 2.) Epilepsy 3.) No concept of landing 4.) Wishing harm upon others 5.) When wished for harm is bestowed, giggling like a 6 year old German girl. I PASSED. Now I wait for paperwork and the OK to head to the Sandbox! Goodnight.