Ummm...what?

And now to John at the WABC weather desk:

"Well Tom I'm sure you noticed those dark clouds moving in last night, but truth be told we won't be seeing any moisture out of them. Yep, sure enough folks, they'll just keep rolling thru ahead of this frontal system that's been slowly creeping up on us for quite sometime. Associated with that frontal system you can expect light to moderate unorganized rebel activity. Sporadic, ya know Tom? Ha, ha ha. Yes folks I'll even go so far as to say we have a 30 to 40 % chance of moderate rebel activity by midmorning tomorrow, followed by a 60% chance of looters and bloodthirsty armed bandits. Afterwards pack up the towels and the sunscreen, cause it's gonna be a great day for the beach! Ha, if only we had water to go with all this beach, eh Tom? Back to you..."

And so it goes.

"Ok folks, quiet, quiet please....thanks for coming tonight to the UNHCR's non-emergency mandatory if you want to come meeting. Rebels may be coming tonight or tomorrow. We are not sure. Limit all unnecessary traveling today, tomorrow and the rest of your time in Chad unless you can think of a necessary reason why you must be unnecessarily traveling. We don't want to say who but if we should have a slip of the tongue we might say it could be the UFDD that's approaching. Then again it could be FUC. That being said, it could surely prove to be SCUD, SLA or JEM if they should be in the mood for a rustle. Can anyone think of any other acronyms that sound goofy that we could throw in the mix here? Hmmm...anyone? Or it could be any one of Abeche's neighboring villages that wish to see Abeche fall as regional trade hub. Or it could just be some angry Muslim guys on horseback, the aahhhhh, Janjaweed...oooh, but we really don't like using that word in Chad. Matter of fact it might not even be the rebels or the ethnically charged and angry villagers or angry Muslim guys, it could just be the Chadian military who we all should really be watching out for. I mean seriously, have you seen those guys lately? Cmon gentlemen, a comb and some deodorant please!!!"

"So we will be issuing a quasi-lets not call it an evacuation-evacuation. Lets just call it, a 'Umm, we think all NGO workers should simultaneously leave for R&R right now thingy' We wouldn't want anyone to get excited here. So everyone out of the field now, unless you want to stay longer, which we neither condemn nor encourage. But seriously, everyone needs to be getting away from the battle zones and the carnage, unless you have a note from your Mom, Dad, or, ahhh, hell anyone. If you want to go back up there we neither condemn nor encourage, we condage...no wait, we ahhh, we encodemn, yes, that's it. It is the UN's unofficial stance to encodemn what is happening here. That sounds pretty good, huh guys....jeez, I came up with that one all by myself...aahhhhemm. Sorry. So you see, everyone out! Everyone but AirServ. Ok, everyone but AirServ and WFP, even though WFP will refuse to fly because they are afraid of flying when the UN issues a state of Encodemn-age. But in any case, it'll be nice to have the WFP plane here on the tarmac for symbolic purposes. It shall symbolize that...that..ummm..if we really wanted to fly somewhere in that Caravan we could damnit!...we just choose not too. Ok so nice job with the symbology WFP, aaaaannnnd... well that leaves everything else as far as the not really evacuations but actually they are evacuations-evacuations to you, AirServ. Ha! Yep. good luck. We will be sure to make our further dealings with you as incredibly confusing and convoluted, and political and encodemning and grammatically incorrect as this speech has been. Oh, and just to let you know, this policy may change any day now because we are changing all of our head staff over in 3 days with new super-incredibly-in charge-talented-phenomenally eduacated-decisionally oscillating-unfireable international staff. "

"So, any questions?...........Umm, yes, you...Jesse...go ahead?"

ME: 'WHAT?'

"Ha! Idiot. You see, you should leave governance and decision making to those who have the brains, competence and talent in the world. Go back home and watch TV or something, maybe play with that monkey of yours...we'll call if we need you."