I, being that I'm quite frequently on airplanes crisscrossing here or there, am curious why people spend so long in aircraft bathrooms. Granted men have the unsavory reputation for staking a claim with newspaper in hand and camping out for extended periods of time on their mighty porcelain thrones, but an aircraft lavatory is hardly a royal seat. I can think of few more cramped locales, which forcibly cause the user to master some yoga or contortionist pose all the while worrying about turbulence, the putrid layer of water and soap slime on the plastic floor, the restless line of fellow bathroom patrons standing inches away, possible decompression, or just whose dirty ass just touched the dirty horseshoe seat that your dirty ass is about to touch. Yet for some strange reason people go into these places and disappear.
I propose the question to you, because it is all of you...and not me. What do you people do in there? Do you pray? Bow down by the sink or the nasty bowl itself, out of modesty and not wanting to raise concern by praying in the aisle, and pray for a safe journey? Couldn't you have done that before the trip? Do you admire your beautiful visage in the strangely distorted and abnormally unreflective mirror, running your fingers thru your gorgeous locks, or lack thereof? Do you sleep? Do you read? Do you just like watching the freakishly smurf-blood colored blue juice swirl around the bowl making that powerfully pressurized hiss sound? I hear you in there flushing it repeatedly, and unless you've got some serious issues, I know you can't possibly be doing it for the obvious purpose. Are you all terrorists assembling, disassembling, reassembling and disassembling again your weapons in a nervous and aborted attempt to attack the airplane that your conscious just won't let you complete? Are you just craving alone time, away from the masses of foreigners that sit just outside that flimsy 1/2 inch thick, foldable door? I should think there would be more of you who suffer from claustrophobia than xenophobia or agoraphobia.
Well then why? Why do you go into the tiny, cramped cubicle that forces you to crane your neckbackwards just to have a leak and stay there....for 15 minutes at a time? If you were all Chadian Muslim men I wouldn’t have to ask, because I already know. You see, they, in a rather upsetting but simultaneously comical way for the next bathroom patron, have this fetish for trying to wash their entire bodies in a tiny 4 inch wide sink, starting with their feet. It’s an arduous and sometimes catastrophous process that can take quite sometime and which leaves the bathroom looking as if Hurricane Katrina recently made a guest appearance. But most of you are not Chadian Muslim men, so why, I ask,...why? And how bout this, if you cannot come up with a good reason...then quit it! Go in, do what you must, and get the hell out. No more of this time-warp, losing consciousness and all worldly senses shit, taking 20 minutes to have a piss. It doesn’t take that long, ever...never ever ever.
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2 comments:
Space and privacy, dude.
Might not mean much to you up there in the cabin with some semblance of space and something hopefully important to do, but back in the cheapseats we contend with seatmates that spill over into ours, squealing children, inane mind-numbingly inoffensive films, endless jittery TV commericials, the sounds of people chewing and complaining and the ennervating hiss of recycled, viral air blowing on our tiny stack of stale pretzel crumbs. The dank bathroom is a small sanctuary against the world's worst customer service experience outside of surgery.
I go in, do what I do, quickly, because turbulence has embarrassing side effects, wash up and then splash water on my face to relieve the burning ache in my eyes that I get everytime I fly. Then I look in the mirror and promise myself I will never fly again.
As refreshed as is possible at 35,000 feet, I venture back to my seat, smile at my neighbor and resume watching whatever fine Freddie Pinze Jr. film they have selected for my edification on this flight.
Wow, room in the cockpit? Not being smashed against the co-pilot? Recycled air from engines that can move more atmosphere in a minute than most humans breath in their lifetime?
Obviously not a pilot's comment.
A passenger actually peed on the floor of the Twin Otter the other day, the piss ran forward and totally soaked one of the pilot's soft coolers that had his lunch in it. Funny stuff, huh? Good ole local pax and their funny habits.
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