and more security...

Thursday, June 29th

We arrived home today to find that the house has been further secured, making it a veritable fortress, putting us right up there in the ranks of the paranoid majority of South African whites. The best part is, though, that the
“reinforced” steel bars they put on the doors can be easily be bent and most likely ripped from the entry way with one swift kick. Quality. The security industry must be making an absolute killing in this country.

As one drives thru any modest or ‘not’ shanty town neighborhood in the area we are in, one will inevitably been visually bombarded with countless security and armed response company advertisements and propaganda. The most prominent is CHUB. Personally I would never hire a company to ensure my family’s welfare with a name like CHUB. And it just wouldn’t, in my eyes, inspire fear in the hearts of potential criminals. If I were a thief, and I heard my accomplice shout, “Watch out! There’s a CHUB after you!”, I would most likely laugh or picture an indecent scenario.

Then there is SHOGUN ARMED RESPONSE, which is probably my personal favorite due to the ads they have everywhere portraying an ancient Japanese warrior in full attack attire wielding an enormous saber. I always imagine a terrified family banging a gigantic gong in the middle of their house as intruders merge upon them, only to find that minutes later (with ancient sounding Asian music playing from somewhere in the background) an army of samurai warriors converges upon the house making all those good Kung Fu movie noises. Then the samurai leader challenges the evil doers to a brawl, his mouth moving for a good 45 seconds, only to spit out “I chaRRenge you to deaf you razy thief!”. It only gets better from here, and I usually start smiling and drifting off to my happy place. Anyway…

Personally, I’m thinking of starting my own security company here, and I’ll make it much more interesting than random surprise CHUBS or marauding Samurais. Moats. Lots of moats everywhere. In these moats I will put alligators, eels, leeches and bullfrogs. Not just any bullfrogs but those obviously dangerous South African bullfrogs that warrant sign postage in some places. These bullfrogs will lure in small children who will then be taken out by the alligators. The remains will act as a deterrent to potential wrong doers. Around the moat will lurch naked mole rats with ‘lasers’ fastened to their backs, these to will attract attention. Above each house will be a Hindenburg sized blimp with a intricate video monitoring system linked to the house via many fiber optic cables.

Ok…I think I’m done now, I should probably stop before this goes too far and you all think I’m some sort of freak.